Your Horoscope for the Week of April 1

Mercury is getting all kinds of retrograde in Aries which means all the signs need to get their proverbial sh*t together. The plans and choices you make early in the week will put into motion all kinds of cosmic ish for the months to come so get your life right and tight!

Everyone should do spring cleaning this week and we don’t mean just throwing away those old Stardust mags or letting the ole Roomba vacuum balle balle round the nooks and crannies of your crib. No, we mean a true cleanse, a detox of your soul. Get rid of all the toxic things, people, and experiences in your life that don’t make you happy, stronger, or richer be it financially or emotionally.

This is the week to get crunk, to look at the universe straight in the eye and say I DO or don’t want x, y, z. Let go and then leggo!

CAPRICORN

Do not feel obligated to listen to co-workers and friends who go on and on about the same old stale stories. Planets and time may change, but the same basic b*tch stories remain the same. You’re not basic though, Capricorn, so stop following the basic path. This week is your week to take chances and use Mercury’s freakshow retrograde to your advantage. That means doing things out of your comfort zone. Tuesday, in particular, is your day to take charge.

AQUARIUS

Get excited, Aquarius! Venus is in a state of combustion which means fun and excitement. But exercise a good measure of caution as well. Remember, there are rules or laws at the very least. Ask yourself, What would Amitabh Bachchan do?

PISCES

Pisces, WTF? You’ve been too chill, too go with the flow lately, and it’s catching up with you. You’re too stuck on trying to look cool and giving off the facade that nothing bothers you. But yo, cut the crap this week. If something or someone is bothering you, speak up, change, confront your feelings and trigger points and hold yourself and/or other accountable else you run the risk of setting off a chain of events that will be irreversible, and all because you want to maintain your “I’m so unbothered” status.

ARIES

Aries, this is your season so though we know its all about you, of late, it’s been a little too much about you. Your self-centeredness has reached an all-time high, making your ability to be there for others reach an all-time low. How can we say this politely? Oh wait, we can’t. Get your head out yuh own ass. You have lost your ability to listen to others because you’re too busy obsessing about yourself. Stop or you will find that those people in your life you care about will be doing away with you during their spring cleaning. Ask a friend or family member out this week with the intent of catching up with her/him and learning about whats going on in their life versus talking about yourself.

TAURUS

Mercury is lowkey disrupting your sanity this week so, to maintain any level of harmony at home, work, or in your love life, you are going to have to quit being so obstinate and argumentative. Pick your battles this week and you’ll find it’ll actually work to your advantage.

GEMINI

Gemini, take a friggin’ chill pill and be more editorial in expressing yourself. We’re all for keeping it real and what not but you mistake keeping it real with verbal diarrhea. Thinking things about other people doesn’t require you be verbal about it or post your thoughts to social media. Lay low on social media this week or we fear you may post something about yourself or someone else with a cluster f*ck of hot mess consequences.

CANCER

You are going to have to be honest with yourself and admit that you are not that happy with your life, or some component of it, be it work or your relationship. You may assume a vacay or hot affair might temporarily help, but the escapism is only going to make things worse. Put on your grown folk britches and handle your shit. The stars have your back. You just need to be real with yourself and you’ll find things will fall into place because you’ll put ’em there.

LEO

Leo, chill on giving into every whim and carnal desire this week or you could really get into deep and dark troubles. That’s about it. Other than that warning, play on playa.

VIRGO

The urge to rekindle an old romance will be strong this week but don’t. There was a reason he/she became your ex. Remember, Mercury is going cray which means you need to spring clean your life. It’s out with the old, in with the new, not out with the old, in with the old again.

LIBRA

Real talk, Libra, this week will be no different from last week so plop your feet up, grab a drink, and enjoy the same view. This is a good time to change your hair color or learn how to jar your own achaar.

SCORPIO

Scorpio, this is your week. You’ll be presented with numerous opportunities to finally take control of your emotions and finances. Just don’t pull your usual procrastination ish. Jump on these opportunities as they will not come back around next week, jus’ sayin’.

SAGITTARIUS

Time to get control of the things you won’t admit are weighing you down and causing anxiety. How can you do this? Don’t over commit yourself to every outing or event this week so you don’t have to deal with yourself. Rather, spend some time with yourself and with your thoughts. Rekindle the romance with yourself this week and you’ll find that you can start addressing important stuff. Chai and samosa will do wonders in easing you into this week of soul-searching. Too much chai and samosa will not help you ease into your skinny jeans but in the grand scheme of things, does that matter?