This week seems to be tumultuous for many. Temperatures and temperaments heat up this week due to Mercury’s tacky rendition of “Ek Do Teen” in the house of SonamKiShaddi eclipsing the rings of Jupiter. But every sign isn’t doomed. Here’s what you should all do.

CAPRICORN

You may wake up with charcoal colored eyes that make you look like those creepy lala-loopsy dolls with yarn for hair. Be sure to sleep with an eye mask to prevent this.

AQUARIUS

You’ll feel a twinge of jealousy and anger this week due to Mars entering your orbit. This would be a good time to avoid all human contact because you may stab someone with a pen or chop off your roommate’s hair in his/her sleep.

PISCES

All that resentment you’re holding towards your loved one is going to be bursting at the seams today because Mercury is going into your third house of don’t-give-a-fuuuuu. Hold your ish together kids, it’s going to be a rough week.

ARIES

While those around you are heating up, the hot-tempered Aries is surprisingly cool this week due to your moon entering the orbit of Elsa’s galaxy. You’ll be taking a chill pill and letting it go.

TAURUS

Though normally a laid back popsicle, you’ll be feeling extra stubborn this week because Venus is out here knocking your moons into the Milky Way. You’re bound to rub people the wrong way and start fights.

GEMINI

Honestly, you’re better off just staying home this week, drinking chai, and avoiding life.

CANCER

Normally known as the cry-baby of the bunch, you’re about to show the world your inner hulk. Show those jerks the Simon Cowell level wit you’ve got hidden under those layers of well contoured-makeup.

LEO

You Leos are breathing fire this week with Pluto doing the flamenco in your house of douchebaggery. Own it. But also, don’t act surprised when you lose allies.

 

VIRGO

In this heated chaos, Virgos are about to show off their eccentric side by getting extra heated in bed. Work those sensual vibes the goddess Venus is sending your way boo, work it!

LIBRA

Things are not going to go well at work this week and you need to bite your tongue so you don’t get fired. But come Saturday, you’re all good so lay low these week days, K, Libra boo?

SCORPIO

Scorpio, your inner evil queen will be popping her head up this week as Saturn’s moons sneak into the house of Dungeons. To prevent potential fiascos, stuff your face in perpetuity with samosa so you will be too full to say hurtful ish.

SAGITTARIUS

This week isn’t going to be so bad but you will feel a little stagnant. Break the pattern by doing something or doing something other than watching “Kuch Kuch Hota Hai” and crying into your pillow.

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