Your Horoscope for the Week of January 7
Artwork by Kanan Shah
It’s only the second week of this shiny new year, but the planets are already busy and in a cosmic huddle and we may all be screwed.
The winter Aunty solstice has come due to the Sun entering Cancer where it will stay in downward dog for the next week. It is why the East Coast experienced the bomb cyclone and why, in spite of the frigid weather, Aunties are in super rishta heat and trying harder than usual to match everyone with everyone, especially in the evenings.
Biscuits and chai will be sweeter with the spell of this solstice causing all to be lulled into a false sense of security. But no one is safe. Mercury also flows into the star network of one of those planets shown in Guardians of the Galaxy which makes usually sacred spaces not so sacred.
Concentrate on your place of dwelling to ensure it becomes your safe haven and sanctuary during this cosmically screwy week. Burn incense, try beer yoga, and place pictures of Bollywood Patron Saint Amitabh Bachchan from the early 70’s to offset all that ish Mercury is doing.
Luckily on Saturday, the Planet of the Apes will converge with the fifth element, and the Aunty solstice will reach it’s conclusion. Until then, bundle up, hide from community elders, and read on to see what you’ll experience the week ahead.
You’ll face severe challenges at work this week and you’ll confide in your parents for emotional support. What are you thinking?! This will give your overbearing desi parents leverage with the whole there’s-no-job-security-outside-the-fields-of-science-and computers argument. You will be annoyed at their lack of support but you won’t do anything about it because of the bombastic simply fantastic Venus renegade. Fret not. You’ll get a hella swag new job soon, with ample bragging rights, to throw in your parents’ faces. Balance restoration soon to come, just get through this week. And next.
Your gol gol game is on point this week with the Sun and Moon in harmony. What this means for you is that any roti you make will be perfectly round. But with great power comes great responsibility, Aquarius, so tread softly and use thy gifts wisely, lest you wake the third eye of the carnivorous Rishta Aunties who will take your gol gol game to mean you are ripe for matrimony.
You’ll have delicious desi food this week. Why? Because you still live with your parents. Move the eff out and check your goddamn horoscope only after you take care of that, Pieces. SMH.
Aries, finish this sentence. Never have I ever _____. Now do it with reckless abandon! And then bemoan your life decisions for the remainder of the week over an ungodly amount of samosa and Thums Up. Throw in some gin with that Thums Up for good measure. It pairs well.
A particular project will take up more time and energy than usual because you did diddly squat the past several weeks leaving everything for this week, Taurus. However, since you will be staying indoors and hiding from the Rishta Aunties, this is the perfect time to get stuff done. Focus this week, Taurus, you got this, if you can just calm yo happy ass down.
Your mom will put you on a desi marriage website. Again. Her efforts will further be fueled by Pluto’s movement in the stellar big dipper apocalypse slightly after the lunar macarena which will result in your arranged marriage by the month’s end. Honestly, sucks to be you BUT you CAN and WILL change what’s to come, Gemini. Take this week to go back in time and change those events that don’t support what you want. Either that or just tell your mom you ain’t ’bout that life.
Love is in the air. But so are STDs, not for you specifically but, like, in general. All this to say this is the week to start taking care of yourself and to exercise caution. Like, protecting yourself with your usual Iodex or Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream begs the question, WTF is wrong with you?! Educate yourself! Side note, how funny would it be for a Cancer to get crabs?! But seriously, Uranus and Neptune are knocking boots so they’ll cosmically sort your shite out. This is the week to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
With Saturn dry humping Mars, a total eclipse of the heart will occur, causing you to eat your emotions a la oily Indian buffets. You may have to buy new jeans. Hit up that Bollyood dance class you’ve been eyeing.
The family will be supportive of career goals this week. BWAHAHAHAHA! This ain’t a Ghori horoscope, bruh. You will, however, experience some questionable encounters this week because of your anus, sorry, because of Uranus. Use your best judgement yet don’t hold back from trying new things, like following us on Instagram.
Don’t make this week about you. Make it around your loved ones, particularly family. To get in family mode and to feel like crap for not being a better child to your parents, watch movies like “Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham.” Eat your feelings by way of chaat.
With every cup of chai you will drink, you will burn your tongue. This is because Saturn’s rings will collide with Earth’s atmospheric pressure causing all things made from shrubs of the Camellia sinensis (black tea) to burn your tongue. Drink Madras filter coffee instead just for this week. Or forever.
Family issues will be center stage. Why? Because you’re desi. Family drama’s always center stage, homie. But it’ll be extra this week because of the total eclipse of the heart moving into Neptune. It’ll pass in a week, two max.