It is a week of hard challenges and hard work for all as the moons of Saturn move into Taurus’ aura. Time to buckle down for the challenges that are to come.

CAPRICORN

Mercury is after your ass, kids, which means you’ll have that nagging voice in your head that sounds suspiciously like your mother. That harsh criticism letting you know that you are a failure in life is going to bring you down. I got three words for you, BHAG CAPRICORN, BHAG!

AQUARIUS

Free-spirited Aquarius, your independence is about to be threatened like a Vulture who just smelled fresh meat. Hide yo wife, hide yo kids and keep your eyes open to identify and neutralize any and all threats.

PISCES

This week you may find some friends getting on your nerves because your third wheel of fortune is rotating towards Uranus. They will be over-stepping boundaries, asking for too much money, and stealing your socks when you’re not looking.

ARIES

As usual, you will be breathing fire at work because Mars is moving into your house this week. You need to keep those lazy, over-paid monkies in check because you will not be able to take their lack of productivity anymore.

TAURUS

Taurus it is your season, Boo, do you this week. Pluto is swerving his way back into your good graces so make sure you got your head on straight to tackle that. Get them highlights re-touched, get a facial, get a massage, and make sure they don’t skimp on that happy ending.

GEMINI

Ish about to get real, because Mercury’s moons are about to enter the twenty-fifth house twin-city. Which means your evil twin is about to show up and stalk you until they take over your life and replace you. Keep your eyes open!

CANCER

Cancer, I’m gonna need you to not cry this weekend because Saturn is coming into your second house of bull-shiitake mushrooms. Your hormones will go out of whack and you’ll be crying over every little thing from spilled milk to PETA commercials. Keep those tissues handy.

LEO

Venus is making its way into your orbit so expect randoms throwing themselves at you due to their sudden intense infatuation with you. Every scent you put on will act as an aphrodisiac to others so don’t wear any perfume, cologne, or even deodorant.

VIRGO

You may be feeling down today because you dropped your favorite bottle of lotion and it splattered on your new shoes. Don’t let the evil methods of Mar’s third moon get to you. Deep breaths, boo, you got this. Swipe that lotion up and march yourself into Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy yourself a new bottle.

LIBRA

It’s a good hair day Libra, so work that ish to the bone this coming week. You’ll have an extra pep in your step because your skin is glowing, eyebrows on fleek and you’ve even lost a few pounds. With Jupiter moving into your eleventh house of fortune, you’re the only one around with some good luck this week.

SCORPIO

Restrain that inner beast this week, Pluto is going to be popping his sneaky head into your orbit this week displacing two moons that balance your chi. With this inner emotional turmoil going on, focusing on work will be difficult. Be sure to drink a glass of Falooda to calm your inner storm.

SAGITTARIUS

Sagittarius trust yourself this week. You’ll be facing some tough challenges at work and school that can keep you in deep distress. Eat 2 teal mangoes and a glass of warm water to start your day and it will keep your chakras in balance enough to help you overcome these obstacles.