Artwork by Kanan Shah

There’s no way to cheeni-coat it. This week sucks for everyone. Read on.

CAPRICORN

I can’t disclose too much about your future this week, but what I can tell you is that will involve a samosa, some chaat, and lingerie. Those three things will all converge in your life at a singular moment, leaving you with a very spicy situation.

AQUARIUS

Not really a whole lot will happen to you this week, I’m afraid. You’ll wake up tomorrow morning and go to work, where you’ll be asked to file the same reports you’ve been filing for the last couple of soul-deadening years at the same job. Then, you’ll go home and find that your TV is out because your roommate forgot to pay the bill again. Depressed and in the dark, with a really crappy roommate, you’ll begin to ponder what your life has really all been about. And that’s just Tuesday.

PISCES

This week is full of unexpected adventures. You’ll get in the car one day and decide that now is the time you’ll start checking things off your bucket list. Beginning the week in Germany, you’ll eventually end up cross-country skiing through the Arctic with a pack of wild penguins. They’ll try to adopt you as their own, but you’ll refuse. After all, you’ve been down that road before.

ARIES

You are strong and victorious. A charging Bullmoose couldn’t take you down this week, not with your eyes on the prize and feet firmly planted in the ring. However, as strong as you are, you are still likely to be brought to your knees by the smallest of foes, like children and squirrels.

TAURUS

Last week was a bit of a disappointment, and this week isn’t going to get any better. Despite your newfound sense of optimism, you will fail constantly in your projects and those that you do complete will be sent back for countless revisions. Might as well throw in the towel now and not even try.

GEMINI

Sure, you’re impulsive and aggressive, but where has that gotten you besides a high-paying job and the respect of your peers? Tone down your spontaneity a little bit before it gets toned down for you, most likely by that jealous co-worker who can’t stand your new Lamborghini.

CANCER

No one is immune to your charm. Anything you want this week is yours by simply flashing that million-dollar smile and snapping your fingers. People will fawn all over you, running your errands and bringing you lunch simply because of how awesome you are. Be sure to spread the wealth around a bit though and make everyone feel important at some point, even if you know they aren’t half the person you are.

LEO

Ah, the strong silent type. Sure, people may underestimate you this week and assume you are simply minding your own business, but you know the truth. You know that all those years of planning and scheming have led to this moment, this one, glorious week where you finally launch your master plan! Nothing can stop you now; nothing, you hear me! Well, nothing except that one thing.

VIRGO

Hey you, the person who likes to fight all the time. Knock it off, ok? No one likes a combative person, especially not one who seems to nitpick about everything. Eventually, you’ll run out of people to bicker with and you’ll be left all alone with just Netflix and your hamster named Suraj to keep you company. And to be honest, we’re not even sure if Suraj likes you at this point, so just stop it, will you?

LIBRA

Do you think anyone has noticed you crying in the corner yet? You’ve been there for weeks, sobbing softly to yourself and playing solitaire over and over again just for the fleeting pleasure of watching the cards bounce all over the screen on those rare occasions that you win. Cheer up though, this is the week that you stop crying and start being productive. Now, if only those voices in your head would just go away…

SCORPIO

Your sense of humor will save a life this week. No kidding, at some point this week, someone will be considering moving to a small village in Odisha and getting into filigree work despite no previous experience. They won’t make much money, their life will fall apart, and they’ll end up being run over by a rickshaw. The only thing that will stop them is that one joke you’ll deliver perfectly on Wednesday morning. Whatever you do, don’t blow it.

SAGITTARIUS

A former flame is going to reappear in your life this week and want to reconnect. It’s not a big deal, except for the fact that you don’t really care for the way they ditched you at that desi wedding and stole your car. They’ll return the car when you meet up, but will they also return your heart? It’s up to you to decide whether or not you’ll ever trust again.